Part 2.2
The tricky thing about using words like "late" when telling any story is that "late" can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. To some, late means "Well look at that. TBS is on the last of their 6-episode block of Everybody's Crazy About Ray Ramone re-runs." To others, late is used to describe any time after Leno comes on. But this is not the case in this instance.
Oh, no no no. This was "Mike just got home from his shift" late. This was "Only Steak and Shake, Waffle House and Your Mom are open at this hour" late. This, my friends, was ABSURDLY late.
Of course, I was still up. But still... 3:40AM is a bit late to be calling someone for the first time. Or maybe it's a bit early, since it is the morningtime. Either way, it sits right at the bottom of the big wheelchart of "Times You Should Call People For The First Time".
"Hello?" I half-said, half-asked.
"Hey!" a bright voice said from the other end of the receiver.
"Who's this?"
"Uh... Jessica?" she replied.
"Who?"
"The girl from 1-800-MUSIC-NOW?"
"Oh..." I replied flatly. "So this isn't Ed McMahon? or Jesus?"
She stammered a second, then finally said "No?"
"Well, those are about the only two people I can think of who I'd be happy to hear from at almost four in the morning, so..."
"Oh jeez... I forgot about the time zone thing..." She said with a small laugh. "But come on... You know you're happy I called."
"Perhaps," I replied with a chuckle of my own, and then using my best nerdy scientist voice, I continued, "But I must express a certain amount of displeasure at the time which you chose to make the call."
"Well, I was out!" she playfully snapped. "I just got home, and didn't want to go to bed without calling."
"Ah, needed to be reminded of what good music is before you go to sleep?" I said.
"Noooo," she answered with a soft voice, "I just promised I would, and I
always keep my word."
"Well now... That's quite honorable!"
"Yeah, I guess," she said, "Mostly, I've just been thinking about you all day, and didn't want to go to bed without talking to you."
Whoa... Whoawhoawhoa. Brakes.
What?
You know what.
Oh, come on... You're being too sensitive.
It's my job to be sensitive - and it's yours to listen to me and act on my advice, which is "Hang up RIGHT NOW."
Relax. It was just a nice thing to say.
"Well, that's certainly a nice thing to say..." I offered.
"Thanks," she said, her tone noticeably less bright and far more sultry. "It's true."
"Well... Okay," I replied. "So what's up?"
"Nothing much, really," she answered, and began to tell me about her night. She and a few coworkers went out for a fun evening on the town - which apparently was a weekly thing, because LAST week, Deborah didn't make it, so this week, she was in EXTRA need of alcohol and 'delicious boys' to take her mind off Dave, who works up in the corporate office and who has been flirting with her a lot lately but is married, so she can't have him which is why Janice and Mary insisted she come out this time, and trust me, I was just as bored listening to it as you are reading it, and THEN Mark ordered shots for everyone...
"Well, that sounds really... Uh..." I said, searching for the right word to describe how stupid I felt the entire enterprise was, but without insulting her.
"What?" she said, not allowing the search to follow its course. "Not your kind of thing?"
"Not at all," I answered with a chuckle. "I'm much more into... Uh... Not that."
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno," I answered. "I'm not much of a drinker, for one..."
"Oh," she said. Then, as the question suddenly arose in her head, she asked "Wait - How old are you?"
"Twenty," I replied.
"Oh, lord," she said. "You're just a baby!"
"Well... I'd like to think that my diaper-wearing is strictly voluntary at this stage in life," I said with a marked decline in enthusiasm.
"Oh, well, I didn't mean it THAT way," she said. "I just meant..."
"What, that I'm young?" I answered for her. "Why, how old are you?"
She hemmed and hawed. "I don't think I want to say now," she finally answered.
"What? Like, fifty or something?" I asked.
"NO!" She snapped.
"Look, it's okay if you are," I replied. "I LIKE old people."
"No!" she said with a playful shriek.
"No no, it's okay!" I replied. "I'm one of those rare youngsters who actually likes Worther's candies, so..."
"Stoppit!" she said through her laughter.
"Come on, how old are you?"
She paused for a moment. "Thirty..."
"Oh... Well, that's not old..."
"...Five," she finally added.
"Oh, well yeah, you're only one foot out of the casket at thirty five."
"You little punk!" she said with a chuckle.
We talked for a while longer, mostly about how a twenty year old could live on his own, and how a twenty year old could have a corporate job without a college degree, and how a twenty year old could have such 'mature' perspectives on music, and... Well, the whole damn conversation was about me being twenty living the life I was living, and how "amazing" and "special" she thought all of that was.
"It sounds like you really have it together," she said.
"No... Not really," I replied. "I just kinda do what I like doing, and it's all worked out so far."
"It's amazing," she stated.
"What?"
"Just... I dunno, that someone so young could be this mature," she replied.
I laughed. "You wouldn't say that if I told you about what I did to my previous employer on the day after Thanksgiving last year..."
"No, really," she said. "You're like... Perfect."
HANG. UP.
What?!? No way. This is great!
She's old enough to be your mother and she's about to say some really creepy shit. Spare yourself the anguish and hang up.
Oh, whatever... You're just jealous because you have to sit in the back of our brain and come up with reasons why this sucks. But it doesn't, cause a chick thinks I rule.
Hang up. Seriously, hang up. She's weird... Hang up.
Whatever... This is all just fun anyway. It's not like we'll ever meet or--
"I just wish we lived closer," she added. "I think I'd like to know you."
"Oh, well," I stammered, "Um..."
HANGUPHANGUPHANGUP!
Yeah, well... I can't just hang up on her, now can I?
Why not? Do it!
No... She's nice. Weird, but... Nice. I gotta let her go gently.
"Well, that does suck and all... But hey - at least I got to order music from you," I said with a chuckle.
She was silent.
"So yeah, we got to chat, and that's nice, right?"
"You don't agree with me?" she replied.
"About what?"
"About knowing each other," she said.
"Well..." I said, verbally tugging at my collar, "I mean... You don't have to live near each other to know each other, right?"
"Well, no," she replied, "But how do you get to really know someone if you can't see them, you know? Look them in the eye... See them smile..."
"Well, you--"
"Kiss them and hold them close?" She added.
"I don't think kissing and holding are mandatory," I quickly answered. "I mean... I hope not anyway... I don't think I could stomach kissing and holding Mike."
A few silent seconds went by, each one ticking off with a dull and hollow thud from my internal clock. Finally, she chuckled. "See," she said with a markedly more chipper voice, "This is why I think you're great. You make me laugh."
"Well, thanks," I replied. "You're nice, too."
"Well," she said, letting me off the hook, "It's really late there, I know. I'll let you get to sleep."
"Thanks," I said. "You sleep well, and thanks again for that order this morning. That made my day."
"Same here," she said. I could hear her smiling through the phone.
Wait... What was that?
What was what?
You just gave an ambiguously encouraging statement!
I did NOT! I just thanked her for the discount!
No, you just told her that you were glad to meet her!
I was! She gave me 30 percent off my order!
That is NOT how she's going to take it... Clear it up RIGHT NOW!
You are being ridiculous. Again. It was harmless. Let it go.
I hope you're right...
"Alright, goodnight, I said. "Have a good day tomorrow."
"You too," she said brightly, and then hung up the phone.
The next morning was HELL.
I'm fairly sure that, at least once in your life, you've gone a night with too little sleep followed by a need to get up too early the next morning. You're probably familiar with that dull pain in your head that doesn't so much pound, as it just squats over your skull and squeezes like Andre the Giant and his posse.
Well, that was a constant thing for me at that time in my life - and back then, I didn't even have the luxury of Red Bull to help coax me out of it. And that morning... Well, I don't quite know how you could get worse than Andre the Giant palming your skull like a basketball, but it was.
The world was a dull haze as I made my way around the house trying to get myself cleaned, fed, and out the door. I walked into no fewer than four walls while on my Family Circus-esque trek around the house. And just after I'd put a toothbrush full of toothpaste into my mouth and worked up a nice foam, the phone rang.
Ignore it.
Oh, I am.
Good. Cause that's what you should do.
Right, well... That's cause I am.
Great. I'm glad.
Because we managed to ignore the phone?
No, because I TOLD you to ignore the phone, and you did.
Bitch, you don't TELL me what to do.
Woah, woah! Simmer down now. No need to get--
I'll get however I WANT to get, motherfucker! I'm the conscious part of us, and I make things happen!
Uh... WhatEVER. You couldn't tie your own SHOES if it weren't for me sitting back here feeding you memories of how to do it.
Oh YEAH?
YEAH.
Fine. Watch THIS shit.
I walked over to the phone as it rang a third time. Without really considering the situation, I picked it up. "Hellofff?" I said through a mouth full of Aquafresh.
"Uh... Hello?" Jessica said.
"Haa... Uhhh... Holl ohh uh seh," I replied. I immediately spit the contents of my mouth into the trashcan beside my desk. "There, that's a bit better... Hi."
"Hi," she said, glowing.
"What's... What's up?" I said, wiping my mouth with the floppy end of the towel wrapped around my waist.
"Well, I just wanted to wish you a good morning," she replied.
"Oh... Well that's nice," I replied. "Thanks!"
"You're welcome," she said. "Talk to you later!"
With that, there was a click on the other end of the receiver. I went to go put my end down, and as I did, I noticed a large smudge of toothpaste on the receiver. I shook my head, wiped it down, and hung up the phone.
Well that was nice.
Goddamn right it was!
Happy?
Hell yeah.
Good. I'm glad I could make you happy.
Right. I'm glad you're glad that... Waitaminute, you didn't MAKE me happy...
Shit... Here we go again...
Goddamn right, here we go again! You need to learn your place - which is a tiny voice in the back of the mind, guiding things - not controlling things! No matter what you say, you yield to my--- OWWWWW!
I began jumping up and down on one foot, clutching the other in my hands and wincing as my big toe thumped in pain.
GodDAMMIT! What the HELL?!?
Hey, it's not my fault. You're in control, right?
Oh now THAT's not fair! You know what I meant!
Yes, I do. You meant that I guide and you control, right?
Yes!
Welllllll, in this instance, I guided you into a doorframe, and you slammed our foot into it. Good job.
... I swear to God, I'm going to start dropping Ketamine so I can kill you.
You don't even know what Ketamine does. You just read about it in the liner notes of a Chemical Brothers CD...
"Nice!" I heard Juan say from down the hall.
"Wha... Oh. Yeah, thanks," I replied.
"You okay?"
"Yep yep... I'm fine," I said through the pain.
He looked me up and down. "Okaaaaayyy," he said, turning to go into the bathroom. "What the hell are you doing up so early?"
"Meeting," I replied.
"Ah... You look like shit. What time did you go to bed?"
"I dunno... Like five? Six?"
"A meeting on an hour of sleep, huh... Good luck with that. What the hell were you doing all night?"
Truth?
Lie.
Lie?
Lie.
"Ultima Online," I answered.
"Addict," he replied with a smirk.
"Yeah, well... It's fun," I said.
"Heh... I hope you got enough of that online gold to help you float between jobs when they finally fire your ass." He waved me off as he entered the bathroom. "Good luck today."
"Thanks," I replied. Suddenly, I realized I still had toothpaste running down my chin and a toothbrush in my hand. With a sigh, I walked down to the kitchen to finish cleaning my mouth, resigning myself to get ready for one of THOSE days.
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